I wonder, are my hopes for myself too high or it's just me that is never good enough? I wonder, I wonder about it everyday. I tell myself, my life is in my own hands and I can control my own fate but no. Whenever I try to control my own life and work hard for something , it ends up failing and all came to naught. My attempts and efforts are futile, they never seem enough. I want to excel in my academics because it is the only thing I can do to make my parents happy. But, I'm afraid, I'm afraid that history will repeat itself and I will end up flunking my papers .

Sometimes, I dislike myself too because I, I'm not good at expressing how I truly feel. I'm so used to have a strong façade on to deceive others, to tell them I'm fine, I'm happy, I'm okay. But that's what happens when you are so used to having people deceive you and then ha you realise you don't have a few friends to confine to . What's the point of having throngs of friends that won't be there for you? And since I'm touching on friendship , me myself, ain't a good friend too. I always try my best to be one but because I have so many things on hand, I end up neglecting my friends, forgetting that they too need a shelter to hide in , a shoulder to rely on , a friend to rant and talk to. I'm sorry , terribly sorry, my dearests.

Expressing how I truly feels has been a thing I've been trying to do but it has got to be the hardest thing for me. I'm not an introvert lol I'm probably the noisiest one and the most bubbly one but then is that even the real me? I don't like , I don't dare to express the real me because I'm afraid that people will detest me or laugh at me. I don't like to tell others how I feel because I don't think they can understand me and I just don't want to be a another burden in their life.

So many times, I feel like an empty shell. I feel like I've achieved nothing in life and my life is just plain boring and I have nothing I'm proud of and whatsoever. People tend to ask me why I'm so moody and upset but no I'm not dwelling in sadness or pain, I'm just feeling...empty, fucking empty, with no explanation with no nothing, I just feel this out of nowhere.

Certainly, I'm always laughing and smiling. But people have to realise that I can't be happy 24/7, there are times I break down and get tired of my life too. After all, I'm too , a human being, I have humanity and feelings. But I guess, people will never understand, and that's why I end up crying alone, wiping my own tears and telling myself, let's stand up and try to be strong again, alone.

As I grow, and as time pass , I start to realise that I'm so preoccupied with studies that I haven't had time to stop down for some time and think through about my life. I mean what's the point if I do well but have no directions in life. I don't know what I want to be and have in life and that's troubling. I start to feel appalled and worried, of the society that I will have to be in after a few years. Can I survive in the society? Will I still be me? Will I change? Will I do unscrupulous things ? Will my best friends still stay by me? All these worries consume my thoughts and mind.

This year, I've started to feel more stressed and there's like not much time to unwind. I feel like I haven't been very industrious so I don't see why I need time to unwind too, contradicting much I don't even know what I'm saying but yes. This year, I've also experienced a lot of pain. I've realised that there are things that I probably should let go but fuck no I don't want to, I'm not prepared to let go and I think I never will. More than that, someone that I loves dearly, is ill and it pains me so much.

Sometimes I wonder, if there are people out there who are not damn stressed out and be happy , and still have a wonderful career, companion and family. I really wonder..... and still, I'm wondering.

"I'm sure I can never replace grandpa in your heart." - Dad.

"Grandpa, let's go out and play! Let's go." I said , tears dwelling in my eyes and with a heavy heart.

"Grandpa is going to a very far place." He smiled with tears in his eyes and closed the photo book that is filled with memories of us.

Because till this day, grandpa is still the only man I can open up to completely, and the only person who loves me more than I love him, but reality is harsh. Grandpa, can never be by my side physically anymore. And this is the thing that I can never let go. I can never let go of the bonding, the love, the memories of me and grandpa for I love him so much , for I miss him so much, and for I have so many regrets. x.