Hello 2021 Janice

I wished I did not stop blogging since 2016 so I can have more moments to reminisce. Anyway, many things happened during these five years. I am now a final year undergraduate in SMU and am going to start my internship with GSK in a few days' time. To be honest, I think life has been pretty great. Let's talk about how my perspective in life has changed.

Recently, I've learnt how to be more appreciative of life. Nope, I did not achieve something great or struck the lottery (I wished tho HAHAHA) but I just learnt how to be thankful that I get to wake up in a safe home daily and to even be chancing upon my old blog and typing away here now. I've also learnt how to be more kind and easy on myself. This summer break, I refuse to follow my old routine which would consist of me either working/actively learning new skills etc just to validate myself and be productive. This summer break, I chose to just r e s t. I did nothing much honestly. I just slept, ate, exercised, talked to my friends and watched dramas. Sometimes, I would feel guilty but that's okay. I deserve this break and yes, I will take it. With the pandemic, I've learnt how to cherish everything I have more - family, friends, government, healthcare and just many other things. I think it's our nature to make an upward comparison which is good because it will encourage us to improve ourselves but it can also be detrimental. We tend to also become more selfish, overly ambitious and hard on ourselves. We start to become less appreciative too.  And that's the purpose of this post. 

Janice, when you come back to view this post again, don't forget about what you have in life. You might be struggling again when you read this post but always remember, there are so many things in life that you still have and should be thankful for. You have a roof over your head.  You have a supportive and loving family. You have great and caring friends. You have yourself, your strongest cheerleader! You are more privileged than so many other people. You got this. 

Janice, if you're struggling now, don't forget you once: 

• Went from the last in PSLE to being a Dean Lister 
• Lost an overseas internship you fought for (5r of interviews) but still managed to secure a job afterwards 
• Went from dreaming to work in GOVT Pte Ltd to being selected as one of the best interns & even did a speech on it to the entire cohort 
• Lost 30kg and MAINTAINED it 
• Worked as a promoter in the supermarket selling mobs and also did door-to-door ice-cream sales since you were 14 hahaha (eh not bad ok) 

No matter what you are going through now, you got this. You can handle it. You are Janice Neo. There is literally nothing in this world that you cannot do as long as you do your best. I trust ya. 

If you ain't struggling but feel lost: 

• That's absolutely...NORMAL. What do you expect? To have life figured out? Dream on bitch hahaha. It's completely normal to not know what you want to do or feel lost. Just keep trying. Try new things so you can make a comparison and also find out what you like/dislike and what you are good/not good at. 
• Just keep moving forward. That's what life is. There will be ups & downs. You will feel emotional but nothing is forever. You'll be fine. Keep going! Keep trying new things! 

Anyway, I'm sian of typing already. Just know that I love you, myself. There are so many things to love about you so if you feel sad, remember that 2021 Janice really love you and so keep loving me/you okay. You can get through whatever you are going through. Go get it woman!! 

Today marks the first month that I'm in love with Krist. I still really really like him.

I'm so tempted to do an appreciation post for SOTUS the series & also an appreciation post for Krist but okay that can wait. Today, I'm just gonna talk about how is life now for me. 

I've been really lazy for these two weeks. I've been staying at home and watching dramas/series. I realised that I don't really start or continue conversations with people so much anymore. I'm just not interested in socialising anymore. I think when I was in school for the past four months, I was so indulged in school work and socialising. I did not have any individual time and I hated it. I love how life is now. I love how I appreciate myself more and realise that I can still do a lot of things without others with me. I can go out and shop alone. I can get my own groceries and cook for myself. I can entertain myself pretty well with all the dramas piling up in my list hahaha. 

I just learned that it is necessary to give yourself a break from the world from time to time. It is good to spend some time with yourself. Try to understand and appreciate yourself more. Also, I've learned to surround myself with positive vibes and positive people. I choose to only hang out with people that I feel comfortable and happy with, genuinely. 

This holiday, I've also decided to take up another challenge which is to participate in the press conference. I don't know if I will be able to juggle it well with my other modules but I'm going to give it a try. 

Also, I've realised that I probably have the most "i don't give a fuck" attitude ever. I'm so ignorant and oblivious to everything that is happening around me. I legit don't care actually. I just can't be bothered with the lives of others and how things are going. I just know that I'm quite happy myself and that is pretty much good enough for me. 

I've also been following this youtuber that adopts babies and she even has a down syndrome daughter that was adopted. I think it's really great and admirable and it inspires me so much. I was telling my mom that I will want to adopt kids too one day (esp from Africa) and my mom has no objection. I mean it has always been something that I want to do since young. I've always thought and still think that adoption is a wonderful thing because you are providing a life, a meaningful and happy one to a kid who deserves it. I just can't wait for that day where I can settle down as a mom and adopt adorable children. I also want to either adopt/buy a dog to grow up with my kids (': . This is my dream. 

BUT before all the above can happen, I will need to work. I will need to have a stable and steady income to provide for others and myself. I still have no idea in which career field am I most interested in but well, I hope the next 1.5 years in poly will lead me to the answer. 

That's all actually hahaha. This holiday I spent it to learn more about myself, fall more in love with Krist (delusional but I'm happy) and have a dream that I want to fulfil. 

Empty Promises

All I ever want in life is a guy like Krist 

I was brewing coffee and thoughts came running through my mind. Some flashbacks here and there and I realised, I promised so many people so many things that I've yet to done. To the best friend that I once had, I promised to travel the world with her but now, we don't even hang out together. To the another best friend that I told her I love her and she's one of my priority, I did not even stay for an hour for her big 21 birthday party. 

To my grandpa who passed away, I promised to stayover at his house with him and he kept the mattress there and refused to throw it away until he passed away because he was waiting for me to fulfill the promise that never came true. 

I'm not a perfect being. I have so many flaws and this is one of my biggest flaws. I love making promises because it makes me feel connected to the people I love. But, I also have the tendency to forget and eventually break the promises. I'm sorry, I'm sorry to those people who had to bear with me and to those who left me. 

In these 2 years, I've gained some and lost some. I can't deny that it hurts so much whenever I lose someone I dearly love. Sometimes, I want to just do nothing and hold them back but I have so many other priorities that are holding me back. I've told myself that I should never let emotions take over the better of me. I can feel for someone but never so much that it will take over me. I treasure and cherish every and each of my friends but there are just times where misuderstandings come in between us and I realised that I don't even have the time to talk things out and there's no proper closure. We just break off. 

I'm so lost. I don't know what I ever want in life. I don't know anymore. Man.