28.08.2014.

Blogger...this url... it's no longer a url I get others to read or visit. It's more like a url for myself to look back one day and check out what I've been up to and have felt in the past.

These few months can be described with three words , hectic and stressful. I literally hate my life. I feel overwhelm, with so much things on hands. Studies is taking a toll on me, people are tiring me , feelings are killing me.

For example, I woke up on a Sunday morning and when I checked my instagram, I saw a video of JYJ performing Ten Years by Eason. When I watched it, I teared and my heart really ached. There was that one thing tugging my heart. I then realised, ah ... I have been neglecting what I call "life" for months for what I detest, school. My life used to consist so much of dbsk, teen top and vixx. I would watch them and listen to them like at least four times a week or okay maybe every day. But now? No... I no longer have plenty of time to do so. I know one day I will start to be preoccupied with my own life and not be so involved but I definitely know it's not now. Because after watching their that one performance, I felt really bad, really fucking bad. And the worst fucking thing is , no one understands me, no one knows how fucking much I love db. I love them so much it's crazy. 6 years and still going strong, I love them so much, so so much.

Putting my "life" apart, my family. I wanted to cry when he told me "So now you rather study than to dine with grandma?" that seriously made me think and reflect. I have an exam coming up, I know it's important. But, is it even more important than my grandma? Does its importance outweighs grandma's? Then once again, I skipped the trip to pray to grandpa because I have a fucking test the next fucking day. How much I prioritise studies, it's scaring me. No one knows how I feel, no one. They all think "ah why is she worrying when she is coping well" or " lol if she panics what about me". Ha, funny, so fucking funny. Are you me? Do you see the times I've cried because I did not do well? Do you see the times I get so upset with myself, for not doing well, for not being smart. I do my best but my results don't really reflect it... and it really , upsets me.

And then sometimes I question , why can't I excel in something? I don't mean to be impeccable or flawless but, can't I at least be good in something?

And I wonder, the passion I have for my future, for my goal , will it bring me far? Will it, will it allow me to bring food and necessities to my family? Will it allow me to let my parents enjoy their life after retirement? Am I , prepared for this society? I'm not sure, I have no confidence, I have no talent , I...I don't even think I have the ability to do what I want.

I don't want to be confined to be four walls and be pinned down by documents and files. I don't want to lead such a mundane life. But, do I have a choice? Can me myself, bring me far? I really, wonder.

And everyday, even with so much stress and emptiness, I smile. I try to be optimistic. I'm just, just pondering, how long can this last? When will this strength and determination in me end? I...wonder, wonder about everything, my life my future my attitude my every shit.

Damn.