This world is appalling

Just, suddenly , I feel like typing my thoughts out because I don't feel like telling anyone in particular because it's just not so important but I still feel like ranting it out.

Dad just told me he is going out to buy me sweets and this thought struck me , when will the day comes when dad is no longer here to buy me sweets? Why can't daddy be with me forever? I've always fear and hated separation , because it just means I have to leave that one important person and start all over with another one.

I totally know how it feels to be separated from someone and the worst thing is , you will never ever get to get back together again. No , my separation is not a break up , but a death, a death of the person who mean the whole entire world to me. He left me last year during August but till now , he is still in my head and every once a while , I cry. I cry for our memories , I cry for I won't be able to have any more memories with him.

After I lost grandpa , my life became so ... unordinary for me. I still smile , I still live , I still joke around but it is all different. I've changed so much and so badly that even I, am afraid of myself. After losing him , I have no direction in life , I don't know what to think at times and just when I'm about to pick up my phone to call him and ask for advices , I realise , no one is ever going to pick up the phone. I thought it would all be okay if time passed and if I go to the temple to pray and 'speak' to him but still , I'm not healed. I miss having grandpa by my side , speaking to me. Going to temple to pour out all my thoughts to him , I can only be the one speaking and I hear nothing back in reply. This , hurts so fucking much. To many people out there , friends and lovers probably mean the most to them but to me , family mean the most and especially my grandpa. No one have ever gave me so much love and happiness ever like grandpa, not even my idols. My grandpa is one who would fetch me to and fro school , buy me sweets although it is not good for me , scolding me because I misbehave but still hug me at the end of the day and dote on me , remembering my birthday every year and without fail , get me a present and coming all the way to my house  just to leave a letter on the table for me. No one will ever put in so much effort in me like he does. I miss everything about grandpa , every single little thing , like just seeing him sit there and watch his favourite tv show or telling me how much he dislike this drama but never stops watching it (':

A year have passed and a year I've lived without grandpa. I started to cherish people around me and also saw some true colours of really hateful people. For instance , my father. He became like my grandpa. My papa never fails to make me smile with his annoying jokes . He is one father in his 50ties who would actually go listen to KPOP because his daughter is interested in KPOP. He allow us to have a common topic to talk about. He would go check on KPOP updates and tell me , he would go look about the groups I like and start liking them too, that is how nice he is. Today too , daddy did something that really touched me. I said I wanted to listen to an album and he immediately started to try and fix the radio which is already spoilt just to let me play my album. Nope it did not work , I did not hear music but I saw a true parent , one who would put in effort just to satisfy me.

My brothers too , after grandpa left , our relationship got closer and I feel like , wa , I really have two great elder siblings. My brothers would now help me fix my things,  tell me to not stay out late , nag on me whenever I do something stupid and joke around with me.

My mother too , she is the sole breeder of our family but she never fails to be strong and support us well. There are so many times we've had financial problems but we as a family , held on and I'm so thankful for mommy, who never gives up on this family. My mama is the best I can ever ask for. She is like my best friend , listening to me rant about everything , bicker with me and also satisfy my cravings .

Family , I'm more than thankful to them , (to my aunties and uncles too // relatives) Altho there are times we fight and I say hurtful stuffs but really , I have no bad intentions because at the end of the day , I know we will patch up and we will be by each other's side.

I adore my loved ones and I'm so so so afraid of separation. Mommy likes to randomly tell me to hug her tight because one day she won't be there for me to hug anymore , this is enough to make me cry . I.. cannot. I just don't ever want to think about a day without my loved ones, I might just die.

Separation scares me so much. I'm just suddenly having this random negative thought and I don't feel like telling anyone because it's so stupid so I'm actually ranting on you , blog , I'm sorry. Sigh , I hate separation , it is scary. It is scary to be a human , to feel , to separate , to die. I'm scared.