Me.

Nobody would be reading this so I'm writing this because I've no where else to express myself.

Studies.
Haven't been doing well recently and I don't know why , I'm still not motivated to work hard. Where's the old me ? I used to return home after school to study at least 2 hours but now I can't even concentrate for 20 minutes. Results are scaring me yes but it's not motivating me to do better in the future idky. I'm aiming for mass comm in poly but my results now shows that it's impossible. Sigh , just really hope to get back all my studying vibes and get serious.

Friendships.
Weird but I've learnt how to ignore everything. No , I no longer cry for any friendship . Recently many things have gone wrong , people come and go . I give people my best but they treat me like thrash. Well after all who am I? Just a fat and ugly existing person on earth . I'm so sick of people treating me as an option. What's more sickening is I know that they are using me yet I still give them my best , foolish but I can't help it , that's me. I really hate people who accuse or betray me. If I did not do it , don't say I did it. Don't ever fucking put words in my mouth. And on the betraying issues , lol if you are ready to turn your back against me , do it now. I don't wanna waste my effort and time on anyone who is not worth it anymore. Sometimes , I feel more afraid of people who are close to me than my enemies because at least my enemies show their true colours, if you get what I mean.

Fandom.
I used to be a pure blood , Cassiopeia. It's true that I've said before that I will only be in Cassiopeia but things changed , I fell for Teen Top so I'm in Angel fandom too. Problem? Just because I tweet and fangirl about teen top a lot , doesn't mean that Dongbang don't mean anything to me or I prioritise them second. I love all of them with all my heart,mind and soul. Don't define or judge my love for them because you ain't me. I believe that loving one idol doesn't mean you have to go to all their concerts,  know all their updates and fangirl over them 24/7. As long as you have them in your heart , it's enough.

And it's true that I'm attracted to DBSK and TEEN TOP for their looks but it's their talents and attitude that made me stay so stop going "kpop = looks ONLY" , there's obviously something wrong with your fucken stupid stereotype .

One thing is I like to insult and tease my idols to no end to express my love for them. If you hate it then just mind your own business and leave me alone , I didn't asked you to read or care about it. We all have different ways of expressing our love so don't judge mine because I respect yours. And by insulting or teasing them , I'm obviously just kidding. It shows that I love them so much I don't mind embracing all their flaws and joke about it because seriously , they are perfect and too good enough for me already .

And those who are losing faiths , don't give up. I've had my hard times too. I felt that everyone were drifting away from me and it feels like I know no one in my fandom anymore. Dongbang also haven't been promoting as five and also JYJ had a lot of solo activities and everything , it did really annoyed and disappoint me at times but after calming down and watching back their videos and listening to their live , I choose to believe in them and I know it's going to be worth it. And , I've also realised there are people who still cares for me and that's enough. I really love my fandom people a lot , each and every one of them , especially Janawina (':  As long as you keep the faith and believe in them , everything will be alright.

Family.
So thankful for everything in my family now. It's true that there are times we fight and I get so upset I feel like leaving this family , there are more good times than the bad ones. This few months , I felt that we've become more bonded and stronger. I just wanna thank you for everything , thank you for being my family , blood is always thicker than water. I love you , my pillar of support.

Me.
I've lost interest in so many things in life. I feel that I'm anti-social and am an awkward spider. Society is so judgemental and everyone is so scary now. I've learn to be diligent not because I want to but because I need to. I realised till the end , I can only rely on myself. I try to build a wall against everyone so I know I have a shelter for myself which is myself where no one can affect me too much. I have a problem with expressing myself , I can't seem to speak my mind anymore , because. My insecurities are killing me , I feel so insecured and paranoid every time. I hate it so much but there's nothing I can do .

I need a getaway so badly. I wanna spend quality time with myself and my loved ones with no stress or sorrows.

sigh,