Fuck every fucking thing.

I'm born not to please any fucks out there but to live for myself. Everything around me is suffocating me so much and I'm so stressed up I don't know what to do. I feel restless and upset or worst , empty , these days so much that it scares me. I don't know what is making me feel all these and it's affecting me really badly. I break down for no absolute reason and just get so upset , feeling like the whole world have something against me and I hate everyone. 

I wanna confide in someone and tell someone everything but some things , I just can't and I don't know how to or yes I don't even know what I wanna pour out from me. 

School. Put aside all the friendship problems , the stress. I work hard for my subjects and tried my best to achieve good results , it's to piece out my future , not to show off and be anyone's opponent. I seriously fucking hate people who goes "you will surely pass la" , "aye surely you highest la" , or "eh first sia" , every of this shit I hate it. I'm fine if I'm paranoid and goes "I will fail..." and you console me but when I don't , I'm just sitting there quietly waiting for my results , panicking for myself for not doing well , people have to say all these. Please just fucking get a life and leave me alone , my results , my business. I did well? Okay. I did badly? Okay. Does it involves you? Fuck no so fuck off.

Grandpa. I'm so upset with life I don't know what to do . My heart feels so heavy and nothing seems to be helping. Grandpa , where are you? Daddy and Mommy talked about you again today and I just realised how much I've missed you. Grandpa, do you miss me too? Because if you don't , I'm going to cry and whine to you , no I can't anymore because you are not by my side anymore. 1 year ago , I can just give you a phone call and pour out all my problems to you and you will give me the most warm and comforting hug then give me good advices. One year later , now , I can only cry out to myself everything I miss you. Grandpa , till now I still don't understand why god chose to take you away from me. Why? Was it because I've been bad? I've not behaved well? I've not been doing good deeds or what? The thing that hurts the most is losing your loved one , especially the one you love the most , the one who brought you up , the one who fetched you to and fro school , the one who scolded you , the one who guided you through life , the one who held your hand tight and tell you everything is going to be okay as long as he's there , the one who broke the promise to stay by me always. I thought one year had already passed , I would have long ago moved on but no I can't I don't know how to and... I don't want to. We've yet to do so many things we promised to do together , you haven't seen me enter university , you haven't travelled around the world with me , you haven't had me over your house for a stayover and you haven't seen me ...grow and be your greatest granddaughter )': . I miss you and I love you.

everything seems to be breaking apart day by day and I can't seem to do anything to improve or bring everything back to being better. I...tired. I miss grandpa. I want a break from life.