Negativity?

Today....I'm here to rant. Actually, more like I'm here to pour out my feelings, feelings that others will never understand.

This week has been a really rough and unpleasant one. I met with friendship problems, school problems and even have financial issues. I feel like I'm the biggest burden to both my friends and family.

I have never wanted to cry so badly after grandpa's death. I feel so terribly lost, confused, suffocated and out of place. It's like I'm isolated from everyone else and left alone. I tried whatever I could to fit in but things just won't work. Everyone seems so happy with life except for me.

Family. There are some things that I found out....and I would rather not have found out about it. It made my heart sank. It made me feel utterly disappointed.

I miss grandpa. I want to cry so badly, every single day. I miss having myself in his arms. I miss his comforting hugs. I miss him telling me that every thing will be okay. I miss having him by my side. I miss the man who loves me the most.

I have so many problems on hand and no one sees it nor gives a damn about it. Everyone thinks I'm exaggerating , everyone thinks I'm fine. Why? Just because I don't break down in front of them. Just because it looks like I'm fine.

I'm never a too emotional kind of person but this week, it's really hell of a week. I don't even know why I'm typing this out.... I probably needed a place to rant out everything. Everyone is terrible. Everyone is so fucking annoying. Everyone don't understand me.

People who I thought loved and understood me, don't. People who I thought would be there for me, wasn't there. People who I thought was going to be nice, weren't nice.

I hate my life now. I hate it. Hate is a strong word but it seems like it's the most appropriate word that I can use now about life.

Grandpa, are you reading this? Are you up there in heaven watching me? Do you know how much I miss you? You've brought me up with so much positiveness in me. You've taught me how to be strong but now... I just can't be strong. I just don't know how to cope with everything that's happening. I feel like shit, shit. Grandpa, won't you just come in my dreams to hug me and tell me it's going to be okay?

I've made one of the biggest mistake in life and I regret it so much. But I just realised that there's no point in me regretting. All I can do now is reflect and ensure that I won't make the same old mistake. Grandpa, I've forgiven myself, have you?

There's so much tension everywhere now. The worst thing is to know that I'm the one causing it. I'm such a burden to everyone. I'm the worst. I've tried to be positive and optimistic by telling myself that I'm not that bad but it's not working anymore.

Can there be one who understands me? Can there be one to lead me now? I'm so done with myself.